The New Middle Class
They met at work, during an out of hours email system upgrade. One thing led to another, and they ended up having it off in a meeting space called The Westport Room. Their best man based his wedding speech around the episode, and Fr Fitzgerald nearly swallowed his false teeth with all the laughing.
They drive a Hyundai Tucson, one spec up from their neighbour Hyundai Tucson. (She only a teacher.) What do they eat? The faces off each other every Friday night after drinking two bottles of wine from the middle shelf in Aldi. It the reason they have three kids instead of two, and they thinking of cutting back.
They like to holiday on campsites in the south of France that aren covered by UK or Irish tourist operators. That because they went with an Irish operator one year and ended up holidaying next to their plumber. He gave his children pizza every night! They discussed reporting him to the local police, but agreed there is no way they find another plumber.
Middle Class Rank: 6 He can be quite common after a few pints and they never been show jumping.
The new officer class in Middle Ireland. Under no circumstances should you laugh at this title. They are your overlords now, the last people with a decent job once Chinese robots have replaced teachers and accountants. The correct response is to prostrate yourself on the floor and ask if they need their gutters cleaned.
They live in two places. The first is Dubai for six months and a day of each year. If you don understand why, ring the Revenue. The rest of the time, they live in a house in south Kerry that looks like it might belong to a super villain. The doorbell even chimes meet again when you ring it. It their idea of a joke. It on you.
The Squeezed Foodie is squeezed for the same reason most of us are squeezed: she still paying off that Celtic Tiger mortgage and can resist a spa break deal where they throw in a glass of sparkling wine on arrival. She rejects any notion that she belongs to the Squeezed Middle, though; that would lump her in with people who tuck into a Marks Spencer Dine In For Two deal on a Friday night.
As she never tires of pointing out, that kind of food is for the masses. ( masses is her third favourite phrase, after documentary on YouTube about sugar and your kids
Her natural habitat is a small, hipster grocery shop called Why Pay Less For Carrots? She can afford the stuff in there, so she waits until the coast is clear to load up on nearly gone off kimchi in a jam jar, now only 17.99 a pop. Ok, so the guy at the checkout knows her game, but he has a working class accent and probably thinks jam is a fruit. So, who cares what he thinks?
Middle Class Ranking: 5 It turns out the Why Pay Less For Carrots? bag is worth the hassle.
It all in the tan with Marcus. You know it didn come out of a bottle, and it not wind tan from sailing because they let anyone out in a yacht these days. Under no circumstances should you ask him where he got this tan. It just an invitation to say he been to an exclusive wellness centre in Namibia with an unreasonably good looking German called Heidi. He will show you the photos and this will make you feel bad about your life.
Marcus owns a chain of loss making doughnut shops. That quite an achievement in the current climate. Don waste your time looking for a link between his income and the limited edition 1980 Mercedes 380 SL he drives at the weekend. Focus instead on the fact that he still lives at home with Mother and Dad Dad in a house that was once like a second home to George Bernard Shaw. Marcus is trying to get the old pair to put solar panels on the roof to impress a minor German aristocrat that would remind you of Bella Hadid; Dad Dad is having none of it.
If you are upset that Marcus Armando Cabral sneakers are worth more than your car, tell him that he only middle class. That for bogmen and people from Dundrum, says he, launching into the story of how he descended from the Earl of Kildare ## ## .
Middle Class Ranking: 2 There is no substitute for class, or a rich Dad Dad.
Jonathan and Deirdre aren happy to be back from Zurich. They have never been happy about anything. That one of the things that attracted them to Switzerland. After a spell working in bio pharmaceuticals, they decided to move back to Dublin to be nearer their families. That shorthand for Swiss wouldn talk to us and you wouldn believe the cost of babysitting The key to getting on with Jonathan and Deirdre is to avoid talking to them at all costs. Unless you want to get a lecture on how Ireland would be a better country if we only paid loads more tax and gave everyone their own tram.
Don worry, you can still keep in touch with their lives. The Irish Times has decided to focus on the returning emigrant market by giving every one of them their own column, as long as they have a degree.
Given their salaries, and inflated notion of self worth, Jonathan and Deirdre were hoping to get their kids into an elite school aimed at the super rich in south Co Dublin. However, it turns out the only group they can compete with on this list is the Muscle Couple (below), and that might change if your one opens up a fourth nail bar. So Jonathan and Deirdre are now looking at second tier private schools like Clongowes and Alexandra College. It isn making them one bit happy.
Middle Class Ranking: 7 They are livid to be ranked below The Family That Owns the Town that would never happen in Switzerland.
Obviously, not all gay people are the same. It not like they all live in a big house in Dublin 4. Or, RTE, as it known by that defrocked priest who keeps firing off angry letters to your local newspaper. But what some people still call The Gay Crowd are now all the rage in Middle Ireland circles. We hear it impossible to go to a barbecue in Athlone without being introduced to a bemused looking couple known as gay friends, Declan and Dermot
Declan and Dermot are a bigger hit in suburban Middle Ireland than decking was back in 1996. It got to the stage where they rarely see their gay friends any more, unless it a particularly big barbecue and the hosts invite extras to make sure they don run out of gay friends. This newfound popularity is the price of the Same Sex Marriage referendum. Dermot is actually considering being seen around town with a woman, just so they can get a weekend to themselves.
It not like they miss the conversation at these barbecues. Dermot: “We adopting a little girl next week.” Irish mother on her third glass of Prosecco: “The poor thing will have no Mammy!” Declan:”I know. Isn she lucky?”
Middle Class Ranking: 4 And the only way is up.
She showcasing her ass in expensive activewear and owns three nail bars. He has a startling hipster beard and tapered leg tracksuit. Both are perfectly toned and carrying a brightly coloured vitamin drink. Neither are wearing socks. Welcome to the Muscle Couple. You will find them in Pavilions Shopping Centre, Swords, before 10am at the weekend. Before 10am is their way of saying weren out last night This sets them apart from their siblings, who are still out at 10am and will probably end up living in an affordable housing scheme. The Muscle Couple want to get ahead and have already traded up from their mid terrace to a semi d on the estate. They are hoping to make it big on social media, which is why they spent 1,500 for an online course called To Make A Fortune As A Vlogging Couple Without Banging Each Other They have been watching a lot of Amy Huberman shows in preparation for the biggest challenge of their lives. Yes, they have plans to step up and start hanging out in Dundrum Shopping Centre at the weekends. You wouldn want to try that with the wrong accent.
Middle Class Ranking: 10 Tracksuits. They still just tracksuits.
Their predecessor, AP 1.0, was a solicitor during the Celtic Tiger years. He got sick of doing the paperwork for property deals on behalf of a former classmate In school who could barely spell his name. That why he borrowed 10 million and bought into a property syndicate with other solicitors in 2007. Angry only scratches at the surface of his mental condition.
And yet he has a sunnier disposition than Angry Professional 2.0. Why? At least he was rich for a few months. That something beyond the reach of the new batch of doctors and lawyers. These people spent a fortune during their five years in college; some of them even went to lectures. Now they can compete in the property market with nerdy types who are working on a slew of apps to replace solicitors, doctors and various other golf club bores. Our AP 2.0s lie awake in their rented houses at night, muttering darkly about their nerdy overlords. And regretting the decision to put Law above Computer Science on their CAO application.
Middle Class Ranking: 9 If there was such a thing as relegation from the Middle Class, they be in the mix.
You know him, alright. The guy in your estate with a 2017 Audi, a carbon frame Cube Litening C:62 Race bike worth almost three grand, a two ski holiday minimum, and no obvious source of income. He driving people nuts. It got to the point where there is only one topic at the weekly mother and toddler event where does he get his money? Fiona in number seven tried to start a rumour that it drugs, but it failed to get off the ground because he just so normal and nice.
People can help admiring him. It wouldn be so bad if Guy With Loads Of Money was fat and sat around all day watching Jeremy Kyle. At least that way, people could go ahead and assume he won the lottery. Unfortunately, he got a BMI of 19, speaks Mandarin Chinese and leaves the house at 6.30am every morning.